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    Lovingly detaching from a person with substance use disorder.

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    Detaching with love from someone with substance use disorder

    Establishing limits may be challenging, but it is often necessary to maintain a relationship with a person struggling with substance use disorder.

    When you care for and encourage someone with this condition, it can be simple to overlook your own emotional and psychological well-being.

    Substance use disorder impacts not only the individual afflicted with it but also everyone in their immediate surroundings, including:

    • family
    • friends
    • co-workers

    Recovery from substance use disorder often requires a supportive community, and showing compassion to those struggling with it is crucial.

    However, it is important to recognize that recovery is a personal choice, and individuals must make their own decisions about seeking help and making positive changes.

    While it can be tempting to try to control the behavior of a loved one with substance use disorder, it may be more beneficial to establish healthy boundaries and practice loving detachment.

    This allows individuals to prioritize their own mental and emotional well-being while still supporting their loved one’s journey towards recovery.What does it mean to ‘detach with love’?

    When dealing with substance use disorder, detachment may require establishing unambiguous boundaries and relinquishing responsibility for the actions of others.

    Loved ones can become entangled in detrimental enabling behaviors, such as:

    • fix the person
    • cover for them
    • drop everything to rescue them when there’s a crisis

    While it is natural to want to assist someone you care for, enabling behavior is not beneficial for anyone involved.

    Rather than providing them with healthy support, enabling a loved one with substance use disorder can result in several negative consequences, such as:

    Showing love through detachment can be a more effective way of supporting someone with substance use disorder than enabling them.

    It allows the individual to face the consequences of their actions and take responsibility for their behavior.

    However, it’s important to note that detaching with love doesn’t mean cutting off contact or ceasing to care. In fact, it can often be a way to maintain a healthy relationship while also encouraging the person to seek help and make positive changes.

    How to lovingly detach from someone with substance use disorder

    The approach you take to detaching from someone with substance use disorder may vary based on the unique circumstances of your relationship with them. It can be helpful to begin by considering which behaviors or aspects of your relationship need to change.

    By effectively communicating your decision to detach from them, you can help them comprehend your perspective. For instance, if you find yourself constantly bailing them out of difficult situations, you can express your decision to no longer do so in a calm and assertive manner.

    In addition, it may be helpful to provide constructive suggestions or alternatives. For instance, if you feel exhausted due to constant communication or excessive discussion about their issues, you could suggest that they seek support from a therapist or counselor.

    Avoid enabling — even in dire straits

    When a person with substance use disorder reaches a point where their job or housing is at risk, it can be difficult to know how to respond as a loved one.

    While it may feel natural to want to help, maintaining boundaries is essential in these situations. Avoid making excuses for their behavior and refrain from shielding them from the consequences of their actions, as this can ultimately be more harmful than helpful. It may also be necessary to seek professional help, such as a therapist or counselor, to navigate these challenging circumstances.

    Disengage when they’re using

    Observing a loved one using substances can be distressing and anxiety-inducing. It may seem simpler to endure the discomfort rather than initiating a potential argument or disagreement.

    However, this approach can indicate that you prioritize your loved one’s wants over your own necessities. It might create a pattern where their destructive actions can persist in an atmosphere without consequences.

    To value your boundaries, it is essential to withdraw from your loved one when they are using substances. This may entail leaving the physical space in which they are using or refusing to answer their phone calls or messages when they are under the influence.

    Don’t ignore dangerous behavior

    Substance use disorder may lead to risky behavior, such as driving under the influence or using unsanitary equipment. Individuals with this disorder may disregard the risks involved in their actions.

    However, you should not overlook or tolerate this behavior just to avoid confrontation. Instead, you can calmly express your concern and disengage from the situation.

    If your loved one’s actions are endangering themselves or others, you may need to seek emergency assistance or intervention to ensure everyone’s safety.

    Crisis intervention resources

    If you feel you’re having a mental health emergency and need to speak with someone immediately, you can:

    If you decide to call an emergency number like 911, ask the operator to send someone trained in mental health, like Crisis Intervention Training (CIT) officers.

    Prioritize your own needs

    Dealing with substance use disorders can be overwhelming, not just for the person with the condition, but also for their loved ones.

    It’s easy to prioritize the needs of the person with the disorder and overlook one’s own well-being, possibly because it feels less important or urgent.

    However, a crucial step in practicing healthy detachment is prioritizing one’s own safety and health without guilt or hesitation.

    Encourage treatment

    Assuming the role of a counselor for your loved one with substance use disorder can be emotionally draining. It’s important to recognize that you are not a professional and that your loved one may benefit from seeking help from a trained therapist or counselor instead.

    While they may have been resistant to the idea in the past, your decision to detach may serve as a wake-up call for them to seek help. However, the choice to seek professional help ultimately lies with them, and all you can do is provide them with information and support their decision to get help if they choose to do so.

    You cannot save or ‘fix’ them

    It’s common to have the desire to change your loved one’s behavior and to be the one who rescues them.

    However, accepting that you can’t control their choices and behaviors is an important step in healthy detachment.

    It may be helpful to seek support from a therapist or a support group to cope with the emotions that come with letting go of the need to save them.

    Entering a support group

    Shifting your focus towards your own healing and recovery can be beneficial in detaching from a loved one with substance use disorder.

    It is important to recognize that loving someone with this condition can be traumatizing and you may end up neglecting your own pain while trying to help them.

    Seeking support from groups like Al-Anon, which are dedicated to helping loved ones of individuals with substance use disorder, can provide you with valuable guidance and advice on detaching with love.

    Reasons people may choose to detach

    It can be beneficial to understand why you feel the need to detach from someone with substance use disorder.

    This can help you approach the process in a more deliberate manner. If your own mental well-being is being affected, it may be a warning sign. Providing care for someone with a substance use disorder can drain you of emotional and physical resources, which may become unsustainable. In some cases, the individual’s substance use may make them a danger to themselves or others.

    In other cases, you may feel that your involvement is causing more harm than good. It is easy to fall into the trap of enabling, where you shield the individual from the natural consequences of their behavior, which can reduce the motivation for them to change.

    Mental health benefits of detachment

    It’s often said that you can’t give what you don’t have. This means that if you neglect your own needs, you may not be able to meet the needs of those around you. Detaching from a loved one with substance use disorder can be difficult and uncomfortable, especially if you have an innate desire to help and care for them.

    However, it may be crucial for maintaining your mental well-being. When you try to take on responsibility for someone else’s substance use, you may be subjecting yourself to ongoing worry over something that is beyond your control. By stepping back and relinquishing that responsibility, you can alleviate the burden of misplaced guilt.

    Establishing personal boundaries is an act of self-respect and can guarantee that your emotional needs are being met in your relationships.

    Recognizing harmful behaviors and routines, and implementing strategies to detach from them, is a way to prioritize your own well-being. This approach can help you feel more fulfilled and supported in your personal interactions.

    Next steps

    Feeling conflicted, sad, or guilty is a common experience when deciding to detach from a loved one with substance use disorder.

    However, it’s important to understand that detaching doesn’t mean abandoning the person. Instead, it’s a way to empower them to take responsibility for their actions and make positive changes. Detaching can ultimately lead to a healthier relationship with them in the future.

    Getting help

    If you’re seeking support in detaching from someone with a substance use disorder, there are several resources that may be helpful:

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