Improving the Connection with Your Asperger’s Partner: 5 Strategies to Enhance Your Relationship
If you and your partner with Asperger ‘s are facing some difficulties, there are strategies and advice that can help improve your relationship.
Asperger’s syndrome is a type of autism spectrum disorder, and although the term “Asperger’s” is no longer used for diagnosis, some people still identify with this label or its abbreviation “Aspie.”
Understanding the social and communication traits of individuals with Asperger’s, whether you are neurotypical or on the spectrum, can aid in navigating your relationship with your partner.
Struggles in your relationship do not necessarily imply incompatibility and can potentially be resolved with better communication and understanding.
How can Asperger’s affect a relationship?
Asperger’s syndrome is a form of autism characterized by individuals with typical or higher than average intelligence, as well as strong verbal skills, who can lead independent lives. People with Asperger’s often have focused interests and strengths that can lead to career success, such as an affinity for detail, intrinsic motivation, and a strong work ethic.
However, differences in social interaction and communication can create challenges in a relationship with a person with autism. This may include difficulties such as missing social cues, reacting in unexpected ways, or having a flat affect that can mask their rich emotional experiences.
Individuals with Asperger’s may also have sensory issues that can affect their ability to socialize. For instance, they may be sensitive to sound or averse to touch.
However, they also possess many strengths that make them great partners. They are often truthful, devoted, funny, and advocates for those who are marginalized. As autistic individuals do not get caught up in societal norms, they can see things clearly and focus on what truly matters.
By comprehending how Asperger’s can impact relationships, you can better understand your partner’s actions and utilize methods to cultivate and enhance your connection.
1. Adopt different expectations
People with Asperger’s are capable of experiencing love even though they may express it differently from what you would typically expect.
While physical touch may not be their preferred way of showing affection, it doesn’t mean that they do not have strong feelings towards their partner.
Remember that there are various ways to show love and affection. Your partner with Asperger’s may not show physical touch or hugging as much as you prefer, but they may display their affection in other ways.
They may remember your likes and dislikes or express their love through thoughtful actions.
Every relationship is different, and what may work for another couple may not work for you. What is important is that both you and your partner want to be in the relationship and that you both feel content and fulfilled.
2. Recognize your communication differences
Although people with Asperger’s have strong verbal skills, it doesn’t mean that they communicate in the same way as non-autistic people.
They may have an advanced vocabulary and fluency, but they may not pick up on nonverbal or paraverbal aspects of communication.
Your partner with Asperger’s may have difficulty perceiving certain communication aspects, such as voice tone, volume, pace, and pitch, as well as facial expressions and gestures.
A useful strategy is to focus on using clear and direct language when communicating with your partner with Asperger’s.
This is because they may have difficulty interpreting nonverbal cues and may rely heavily on the actual words spoken. Instead of assuming that your partner will pick up on your emotional state, it may be helpful to explicitly state how you are feeling, such as saying “I’m feeling tired today.”
This not only helps your partner understand your current state but also provides you with insight into your own emotional experience.
Because people with Asperger’s are skilled at using precise language, they might struggle with understanding pragmatic or social language, which could lead to misunderstandings. For example, they might misinterpret common phrases like “Hold on” or “What’s up?” To avoid confusion, it’s best to use more clear and specific wording, such as “Please wait” or “What’s happening?”
3. Meet in the middle
To expect your autistic partner to conform to your relationship expectations implies that you view their behavior as incorrect, when in reality, autism is a neurodivergence.
Additionally, it can place your partner in unpleasant situations, which isn’t a compassionate way to treat someone you care about. Rather than expecting your partner to change, it is best to find a compromise.
You should express your preferences and dislikes, and your partner should do the same. From there, you can find a middle ground.
For instance, you both may enjoy movies, but your partner may feel uncomfortable in a loud movie theater due to sensory overload.
In this case, a reasonable compromise might be a peaceful dinner at a restaurant followed by watching a movie at home with the volume adjusted to a comfortable level.
4. Embrace honesty
If your Aspie partner gives you an honest opinion about your outfit when you ask for it, they are not trying to hurt your feelings intentionally.
They value truthful communication and may find it easier than giving insincere compliments. While their honesty may not always be flattering, it can be useful feedback that you can trust.
How you interpret their feedback is up to you, and you can choose to see it as either hurtful or helpful. It’s important to remember that their blunt honesty applies to positive feedback as well, so if they do give you a compliment, you can trust that it is genuine and heartfelt.
5. Try using schedules
Many individuals, including those with Asperger’s, find comfort in having a routine. In fact, predictability and structure are often preferred over unexpected events. It is essential to include communication in your routine.
Schedule regular times for discussions about your thoughts, emotions, and ways to enhance your relationship. If necessary, you can use conversation starters, like mentioning one thing you appreciate and one thing you’d like to modify.
Be prepared to handle disagreements and have strategies to repair any hurt feelings.
Scheduling enjoyable activities, like a movie or pizza night, spending time with friends, or even taking some alone time, is another way to use a predictable schedule to benefit your relationship.
It’s not necessary to schedule every moment together, but since predictability can help alleviate anxiety in autistic individuals, it’s worth considering as a strategy to strengthen your relationship.
Next steps
Like any other relationship, it takes effort to make a relationship with an Asperger’s partner work.
You can strengthen your connection by investing time and energy in it. It’s important to educate yourself about Asperger’s syndrome so that you can better understand how this neurodevelopmental condition can impact your relationship.
Effective communication is key. Being clear and specific in your communication can prevent misunderstandings and lead to a deeper emotional connection.3 sources
- Asperger syndrome information page. (2019).
nih.gov/Disorders/All-Disorders/Asperger-Syndrome-Information-Page - Heasman B, et al. (2018). Perspective-taking is two-sided: Misunderstandings between people with Asperger’s syndrome and their family members.
nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6055325/ - Hosseini SA, et al. (2021). Asperger syndrome.
nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK557548/