Depression and Relationships: How It Impacts and Ways to Cope
People with depression may face obstacles in building and sustaining important relationships.
A study conducted in 2015 found that couples reported the following negative impacts on their romantic relationships due to depression:
- emotional toll
- romance and sexual intimacy
- communication
- isolation
- lack of energy/motivation
- dependence on the relationship
- lack of understanding
- uncertainty
Additionally, the study showed that the effects of depression on the romantic relationships of participants varied depending on their own and their partner’s depression status.
What difficulties can depression cause in relationships?
Depression can have an impact on relationships whether one is living with depression or in a relationship or friendship with someone who has depression.
Romantic relationships
According to Sarah Rattray, PhD, who is a couples psychologist and the founder of Couples Communication Institute, many symptoms of depression such as low energy, difficulty concentrating, loss of interest in activities, and irritability can create challenges in a relationship.
These symptoms can cause a person to push away their partner rather than feel closer to them. Relationships require energy and goodwill to maintain, which can be difficult to come by during episodes of depression.
When you’re experiencing a depressive episode, it’s common for nothing to seem appealing and lack energy or interest in doing anything with your partner. So when your partner requests something, it may feel like a challenge, burden, or even irritating.
During a depressive episode, it’s typical to have a lack of interest and energy in doing activities, including with your partner. When your partner requests something, it may feel like a challenge or burden. Additionally, depression can lead to a loss of sexual interest and a desire to withdraw from sharing with one’s partner. Rattray notes that feelings of worthlessness or guilt can make asking for help difficult.
Other relationships
When you are going through a depressive episode, you may lose interest in spending time with your loved ones and prefer isolation. You might decline invitations and feel disconnected from the people you care about. Participating in activities that used to interest you might not sound appealing anymore, or you may feel like it would require more energy than you have.
Here are some strategies that can help reduce the negative impact of depression on your relationships.
Romantic relationships
Rattray suggests that depression is a sign of an imbalance in many areas of life, and it should be treated as a warning sign. She recommends exploring the following areas to determine the root cause of the problem:
- sleep habits
- habits
- hormone imbalances
- the impact of head or spine injuries
- infections that may be affecting you, such as viruses, bacteria, parasites, or mold
According to Rattray, resorting to medication should not be the primary solution until the underlying cause of the imbalance is identified and addressed.
Open up to your partner
In order to improve communication with your partner, it is important to share information about your mental health.
Rattray recommends putting a stop to the negative self-talk that may prevent you from discussing your struggles with your partner. Instead, acknowledge that your partner loves and values you and your relationship, and choose a time when you have the most energy to discuss your mental health.
Then, inform your partner that you need them to listen while you share what you’re going through.
Ask for what you need
Rattray suggests that asking for help from your partner can actually strengthen your relationship. Although you may feel like you’re burdening your partner by asking for help, they will likely appreciate the opportunity to support you.
Even if you are initially resistant to your partner’s suggestions, it can be helpful to communicate which ones seem possible for you. If a suggestion seems too difficult, Rattray recommends letting your partner know what kind of assistance you would need to make it happen.
Set times to be together
To ensure that you and your partner can do things together, identify the times and situations when you have the most energy, and prioritize them.
Rattray suggests discussing with your partner what activities will make you feel connected and setting them as your top priority.
For example, if you feel your best in the morning, consider planning a few morning walks or having breakfast together.
Avoid turning to substances
Instead of using alcohol or cannabis as a way to mask depression symptoms, it may be more effective to seek the help of a mental health professional who can assist in identifying the underlying cause of your depression and provide appropriate treatment.
Other relationships
Confide in trusted friends
To feel more supported, it’s important to identify and confide in the family and friends you feel comfortable sharing your situation with, and let them know about your struggles with depression, as their support and understanding can help you cope with the condition, according to Rattray.
Say ‘no’
Rattray advises that it’s acceptable to decline invitations when you’re not feeling well. She suggests being ready to decline anything that you can’t handle at the moment. If you don’t have the energy or desire to participate, or can’t follow through, take care of yourself and decline invitations or requests.
According to Rattray, depression is an indication that you’re out of balance, and rest and introspection may be more helpful to you than feeling guilty about not being able to do what you promised.
Respond to invitations
Rattray suggests that instead of ignoring invitations to social events, you should inform the person that you appreciate the invitation, but you are not yet ready to participate.
She suggests drafting a short and polite message that conveys your desire to connect with them in the future. You may even ask a trusted person to review the message to ensure it conveys the right tone.
This approach can demonstrate your care and concern for the person while taking care of yourself.
Explain your actions
Rattray recommends being honest with your friends and family if you’re feeling irritable or down, and explaining to them why you might be behaving differently instead of acting negative without any explanation.
When to seek help
Rattray suggests that sometimes managing depression on your own may not be possible, and seeking help from mental health professionals or medical practitioners is a positive step towards improving your health and growth.
She emphasizes that seeking help is not a sign of weakness or failure, and everyone can benefit from having more tools in their toolbox, coping skills, and healthy habits.
Rather than waiting until you feel terrible, it’s better to reach out for help when you’re aware that you’re not feeling the way you used to or want to.
Are you or a loved one in crisis or considering suicide?
If you or someone you know is considering suicide or self-harm, help is available:
- Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24 hours a day at 800-273-8255.
- Text “HOME” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741.
- Not in the United States? Find a helpline in your country with Befrienders Worldwide.
- If it’s an emergency, call or visit your local emergency room or psychiatric care center to speak with a mental health professional.
What’s next
Although depression can pose challenges in maintaining relationships, there are strategies that can help you stay connected with the people you care about. One of the most important things you can do is take care of yourself by understanding and managing your depression, which can help you cultivate healthier relationships with others.
By communicating openly about your emotions, needs, and potential obstacles, you and your loved ones can collaborate and reinforce your connection.
2 sources
- Liesel L, et al. (2015). In their own words: How clinical depression affects romantic relationships.
sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407515578820 - Rattray S. (2021). Personal interview.